|
Piadas Esta página vai ser basicamente um repositório (não confundir com supositório...) das piadas que eu gostar mais... Aqueles que já me conhecem, provavelmente já ouviram, ou receberam de mim algumas destas piadas... Como já disse aqui, tenho um sentido de humor muito estranho (está bem, está bem, é seco, não precisam de dizer mais nada...), por isso não se surpreendam com a qualidade das piadas que por aqui aparecerem... Além disso, estas piadas vêm sem manual de instruções, e algumas são bastante esotéricas, por isso não se preocupem se não as perceberem, seres inferiores... :P ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish. "Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" the man asks. The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it. "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before." The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go. Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling. "What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark. "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked. "Nahh" said the bloke,"...I'm just a really bad conductor." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too." There's a pause... The second Arab says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Um mágico estava a trabalhar num cruzeiro nas Caraíbas. O público era diferente todas as semanas, portanto o mágico não tinha problemas em repetir os mesmos truques todas as vezes. Só havia um problema: O papagaio do capitão, que via os espectáculos todas as semanas, começou a perceber como o mágico fazia os truques todos. Assim que percebeu, começou a gritar no meio do espectáculo: "Vejam, não é o mesmo chapéu" "Vejam, ele está a esconder as flores debaixo da mesa" "Hei, porque é que as cartas são todas ases de espadas? O mágico ficava furioso, mas não podia fazer nada; afinal, o papagaio era do capitão. Um dia o barco teve um acidente, e afundou-se. O mágico acordou num bocado de madeira, no meio do oceano, com o papagaio, é claro. Olharam um para o outro cheios de ódio, mas não disseram uma palavra. Esta situação continuou por um dia, depois outro, e outro.... Passada uma semana, o papagaio disse: "Ok, desisto. Onde meteste o barco?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"
Why was the teacher cross-eyed? He couldn't control his pupils.
What's the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.
Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied her.
Why won't a bike stand up by itself? It's two tired.
What do you get when you cross a pond and a stream? Wet feet.
What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and crosses back over? A dirty double crosser.
Mrs. Bigger had a baby. Which one was bigger? The baby. It was a little Bigger.
A man was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? 'ell if I know.
Why did the stoplight turn red? You would too, if you had to change in front of all those people.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major.
Do you want to hear the story about the broken pencil? No? Oh well. There's no point to it, anyway
Why is everyone afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine!
One grape lived for lying around in the sun. It was his "raisin d'etre."
A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him? Nothing. He just let out a little wine.
This guy comes blasting into the doctor's office and exclaims, excitedly, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking! I think I'm shrinking!" "Ok, just settle down sir," the doctor says. "You're just going to have to be a little patient."
A scientist cloned himself, but the clone turned out to be incredibly rude. Eventually, the scientist got sick of his clone and pushed him over a cliff. The next day he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
A neutron went into a bar and asked the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are talking: "Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons!" "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender walks up
to the first --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A local man had a girlfriend whose name was Lorraine.
She was --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A panda bear walks into a bar, sits on a stool and
starts munching on some peanuts. He finishes the bowl and pulls out a gun. He shoots the guy sitting beside him and starts to make for
the door. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The annual Chess Championship Match was held at a local hotel. The audience became excruciatingly bored as the games continued for what seemed like forever. The audience began to discuss their own ability to play the game. Soon they were bragging that their abilities were much better than the contestants', and they became extremely rowdy. The manager had to be called in to stop the scene from erupting into violence. The manager entered the room and surveyed the scene. In a loud voice with a refined British accent, firmly he stated, "I will not tolerate boasting chess nuts in an open foyer."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. One of the tall trees says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just
standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time, there was a man who lived in a grass hut. He was the leader of a tribe, and every year he would have a new throne made for him to sit on. Each year, the throne was bigger and better than in the previous year. Of course, the leader did not want to let the older thrones go to waste, so he would have his tribe members stow them in the attic of his grass hut. One year, he had a VERY large throne made, and had the old throne put in the attic, as had been done so many times before. As he sat down to enjoy his new throne, the old throne in the attic fell through the grass ceiling and killed him. Moral: If you live in a grass hut, don't stow thrones. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Long, long ago, there lived a French Count that was
captured and convicted of high treason. The authorities knew he had accomplices, but the Count would not talk. After much
frustration, they decided to torture him. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walked up to a lounge wearing a casual button down shirt. As he approached the door, the bouncer at the door told him, "You can't come in with out a necktie." So, the guy went out to his car to see if maybe he had one. He dug all over his car and came to the conclusion that he didn't have one when all of a sudden some jumper cables caught his eye. He really wanted in, so he picked them up and tied them around his neck, fashioning a knot and letting the ends dangle free. He then walked back to the bouncer who looked him up and down for a long time and then said, "OK, you can come in this once. Just don't start anything." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a
company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the
demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.
|
O conteúdo deste site está protegido por uma maldição de piadas humoristicamente desafiadas, por isso peçam-me antes de usar qualquer parte dele. Phelan