from "4.48 Psychosis"
- At 4.48
when sanity visits
for one hour and twelve minutes I am in my right mind.
When it has passed I shall be gone again,
a fragmented puppet, a grotesque fool.
Now I am here I can see myself
but when I am charmed by vile delusions of happiness,
the foul magic of this engine of sorcery,
I cannot touch my essential self.
Why do you believe then and not now?
Remember the light and believe the light.
Nothin matters more.
Stop judging by appearances and make a right judgment.
- It's all right. You will get better.
- Your disbelief cures nothing.
Look away from me.
from "Crave"
"And I want to play
hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on
the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and
hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food and meet you
at Rudy's and talk about the day and type your letters and carry your boxes and
laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don't listen to and watch great
films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of
you when you're sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish
and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my cigarettes
and never be able to find a match and tell you about the the programme I saw the
night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and
want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and
stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your
neck your breasts your arse your
and sit on the steps smoking
till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come
home and worry when you're late and be amazed when you're early and give you
sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I'm black and be sorry when I'm
wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I'd known
you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get
scared when you're angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and
your hair to the left and your face oriental and tell you you're gorgeous and
hug you when you're anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell
you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you and whimper
when I'm not and dribble on your breast and smother you in the night and get
cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't and melt when you smile
and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I'm rejecting you
when I'm not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I'd ever reject you
and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel
enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write
poems for you and wonder why you don't believe me and have a feeling so deep I
can't find words for it and want to buy you a kitten I'd get jealous of because
it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and
cry like a baby when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and buy you
presents you don't want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you
say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don't mean it
I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking
it's empty without you and want want you want and think I'm losing myself but
know I'm safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best
of me because you don't deserve any less and answer your questions when I'd
rather not and tell you the truth when I really dont' want to and try to be
honest because I know you prefer it and think it's all over but hang on in for
just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am
and try to get closer to you because it's a beautiful learning to know you and
well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and
make love with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow
communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional
all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I
have for you."